This was one of my more popular essays. Time to revisit it. I am pretty proud of this one. My friend was relaying me her experiences and difficulties and I sat down and wrote this in a stream of consciousness, it just spilled out of me. I am simply talent wasted, I guess…..
This was originally written for a friend who you know from here. I am rerunning it because of another friend who you also know from here, having similar problems. No one ever said this shit was easy.
A friend is going through issues with her wife. Frankly, I get both sides of the issue and wish I could help. I thought I would simply put my thoughts on paper (yeah, I know this isn’t paper) and maybe somehow, some way I can help someone, somewhere.
I am writing this letter to the wives of crossdressers like myself. This is not to the wives of the transgendered (different set of issues and nothing I can or should comment on). This letter is not being written to those that are fetishists (giant heels, dressing like teenage hookers, yes that happens), not at all my cup of tea and another completely different set of issues. I am speaking to the wives of those who wish to present themselves as women on occasion in a dignified and appropriate fashion, often in social settings.
This is not a choice. This is who and what we are. At some point in our lives, we would have done anything to make this all go away. Almost without exception. But it never, ever completely goes away. It is manageable, it comes and goes, we may be able to suppress it for long periods of time, but at some point in our lives, it will consume us. This happens for many of us on the back nine, so to speak. In our late 40’s and our 50’s.
We have lied and/or hidden this. Much of the lying is to ourselves. Denial. Complete and utter shame. Self-loathing. This is a mental issue (please note, please, it is a mental issue NOT a mental illness). The truth is it is in our heads, it is a part of us. I wish I knew why, I don’t. Many like myself that I have met and/or spoken to, don’t know either. Why?
I will speak about myself here. I lied to myself, denied to myself that I am a crossdresser. Never, ever even thought the word. It’s a phase, it will pass. This is the last time, I swear. One more and then I’ll stop. Familiar? For me, the moment I finally stopped lying to myself, I immediately went about telling my wife.
I completely understand and defend your position, you married a man and want that man to remain your husband. But that man you fell in love with was actually a crossdresser, whether admitted or not. In some way, it shapes who we are, and may well have given us the traits that you actually fell in love with. This is with us generally our entire lives. Complete denial, absolute repression will manifest itself in some other fashion. For me, I am convinced, had I continued to deny this, I would be an overweight alcoholic, no question. That was the road I was on. Now, despite the many challenges life throws at me, I am happy. Being happy is, obviously, good for my physical and mental health. It is also good for those around me. I have gone from an overweight slob, with a cheesy mustache, to a borderline elite runner who makes others happy that are around me (usually).
The shame causes us to make bad decisions. The guilt generally creates a self-loathing situation. Freeing ourselves makes us better versions of the person you fell in love with. Trust me, if I could change myself, I would. But that’s not how life works, so I have found joy in what I am. That joy is contagious.
We absolutely love you because if we didn’t, we wouldn’t torture ourselves about what we are. You are our worlds and the reason we battle these feelings each and every day of our lives. I completely understand your position, but please understand, this is not ever, never, going away. It must be dealt with in one way or the other. Lying, hiding are all due to the shame we felt in ourselves. We love you more than you will ever know, then we can ever express. We have just been handed a challenge that we must handle. How we handle it is difficult because we have very few we can talk to to offer support and/or guidance. The shame drives us back into our own heads, not always the best place to be. Forgive us, help us, try and understand us.
PS This was written a few years back. Being completely honest, your truly is no longer a crossdresser (the old joke, the difference between a crossdresser and transgender is two years). While I would never, ever transition, in my head, I consider myself female.