I am far from completely open. Only my wife and one friend know “both” of me. And my friend only knows of this, has and will never actually see it. Being perfectly candid, if you met me (the real me, the male me), you would have zero suspicion that I am a CD/TG. None. Just being honest. Within about 24 hours I grow enough of a beard to dispel any probable suspicion quickly and all of the changes I have made to myself are easily explainable and can be attributed to my training and running. Those that are not as educated as we are about our fellow CDers, would never put two and two together. I have many male friends, most life long friends. I can count at least eight people that I frequently interact with that I have known since high school and a few date back even further. On the day I wrote this post (quite some time back), I spent a few hours with one such friend (he was laid up with an injury) that I have known since I was in the sixth grade. That evening I attended a concert with another friend, known since high school. We share a passion for music and attend many concerts together. My partner in my current business enterprise and I have known each other since the fifth grade.
Relationships are complicated, layered. Would these friends accept Kandi? I really don’t know, but it’s simply not worth the risk. The person they know as their friend was the same person who previously struggled and suppressed this desire to present as a woman. I am who I have been for essentially my entire life, just happier. My bigger fear is that if they were to discover Kandi is not that they would reject her, it’s that the nature of our relationships would change. It would be different. But who really knows? Plus, if I cannot really understand it myself, how can I explain it to someone else. Yes, others can wrap their head around it, but friends know you, they have preconceived images of you that would color their views.
As I continue to move forward, to grow as a woman, I continue to evolve, reassessing my previous beliefs. I simply don’t see the upside benefit vs. the downside risk by opening myself up to everyone who knew me when. It’s not like I am transitioning, I am still this bifurcated person, it’s just that the female side is now more developed, allowed to bloom. I am a totally flawed and greatly imperfect person. But I am a happy person, one who understands better who she really is.
They should have warned me that life would not be easy way back when. In parenting our children, I did make a point of letting them know growing up isn’t necessarily all that much fun. Going to work every day, bills to pay, responsibilities. Yet they insisted on growing up.
This essay could have been written anytime in my seven plus year journey as Kandi and nothing has really changed. I have never wavered on who I would like to tell about all of this. I expect to take Kandi to my grave as it relates to family and friends. That may or may not happen, I may change my mind at some point in time, but right now that is the plan. It’s not that I don’t want to tell people, but I would be uncomfortable being dressed around those that know me otherwise. But things do change…..