Someone much smarted than I said that the greatest opponent one must conquer in their lives is themselves. Amen to that!
Everything I write about here I have either experienced or intellectually believe to be the truth or at least my perception of the truth. I do believe there is great joy in being Kandi. I have experienced that joy. I do believe that there is nothing wrong with me because there is nothing wrong with me. I have helped raise two productive citizens in our society and care deeply and have provided for my wife. I am a solid friend and brother and am now helping my parents, now just my mother, through their senior years and the pandemic. I have certainly made mistakes, which I have chronicled on the old blog. But it’s not those mistakes that eat away at me.
It’s Kandi. Despite having wonderful experiences almost every time I get dressed and go out, that little voice creeps in. It may be as I am cleaning up and putting things away, a process that I despise. Not necessarily the fact that I am returning to my male self, just the whole damn process! In respect to my wife (I have never been asked to do this), I try to keep much of my Kandi things out of sight. They are in a closet or a drawer, but I do not leave them lying around. It’s simply more time added to the almost two hours of prep time to even get out the door! Time spent becoming Kandi or putting away Kandi, not being Kandi or even myself (some one I frankly am okay with).
That voice creeps in on an off day (non-dressing day) when I have to undertake the body maintenance it takes, daily or very frequently, to be able to become a woman, properly (as I define and feel is proper). That little voice when I am out dressed and I get a phone call or text that requires me to lie about what I am doing.
I can very easily intellectualize these feelings and the need to allow myself to be me, but then I get some (I’ll be a lady here) a-hole who feels the need to follow me on Flickr with his page full of pictures of his genitals. What am I doing in that world where that is even possible?
When my wife has to drag herself to work for six consecutive days and on two of those days I was out, dressed and completely blissful. And I cannot share that joy with her because that joy is only something I can feel internally, it’s just not something I can slice up and pass around.
I try and be an ambassador for other ladies like myself, yet I still get annoyed at the splinters within our so-called “community” and I question why I even put myself into that grouping of people.
Believe me, I can list a million great things about who I am and what I have accomplished as Kandi, but the battle in my head rages on. That battle previously never allowed even the idea of a Kandi to exist, so there is progress. But now it’s turned and makes me feel selfish for letting her flourish while keeping her a secret from those that knew me before she was “conceived”. And the answer is not as simple as telling the secret as the downside risk greatly outweighs the upside.
Just a small glimpse into what I am sure we all go through, that fight with the most ruthless competitor we will ever battle: ourselves.
Dad, I guess you now can see me for all that I am and I am sure you are even prouder than before. I love and miss you! Rest in peace. I got your back and will make sure Mom wants for nothing and is comfortable here before she joins you some time in the future.
I had to say that “out loud” and this seemed to be the best way to do that. I have been touched by all the prayers and concern for me. I love you all. The reality hit me today (which was yesterday in real time) at my Dad’s calling hours that my life as Kandi is going to be diminished going forward as I now have added responsibilities helping my Mom long term and definitely in the short term, we have a lot of things to work through both with regard to her finances and living arrangements. I have to get rid of a car. She has cases upon cases of home dialysis solution to get rid of. I can go on and on and I know many have had similar or more difficult situations, so I am not looking for sympathy here. Just a warning, Kandi’s Land may have to morph a bit until things stabilize. Ladies, help me out here. If you have something to say, say it here! Help me build upon this loving and supportive community.