By Cristy Garcia
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When I reached puberty, dressing produced an unexpected and shocking side effect. I clearly recall that I was around 11 years old when I locked in my bathroom with some of my mother’s makeup. As I was in the process of making my face up, I felt my first erection and not long after I was done and saw my image in the mirror, I had my first orgasm and an involuntary ejaculation. I will not go into the details of how I felt but you can be sure that I was in shock and felt tremendously guilty. From this moment on, sexual arousal, sometimes followed by spontaneous ejaculation, will inevitably take place every time I cross-dressed. Again, it was not caused by any particular piece of clothing or fabric but the idea of me, a “normal” young male, transforming myself and taking an appearance associated with the opposite gender. Each dressing episode would come to an abrupt end soon after reaching orgasm and having involuntary ejaculation. A huge sense of guilt and shame would follow forcing me to immediately get rid of any feminine attire and makeup I had on. Why was I doing this? Why I was not able to control myself? I was a boy who liked boy things and was beginning to be attracted to girls! Needless to say that about half an hour later the sense of guilt would be gone and I was ready to do it all over again even though I rarely did it due to the time and effort required.
The shame and guilt made it impossible to share this with anyone and I kept it a secret for some time. I also attributed my shyness and introversion to this secret I had kept since I had conscience. I failed to mention earlier that I have recollections wearing some of my mother’s things as early as 3 years old.
Today, after years of dealing with this, therapies with charlatans and with specialists in gender identity and Internet interactions and research, I have come to the conclusion that getting aroused by wearing feminine clothes occurs only on heterosexual cross-dressers and fetishists. The difference, I will argue, is that a fetishist will derive this pleasure from a particular piece of garment or from the humiliation felt when forced to wear girl’s clothes at one point in their lives, which makes them seek the recreation of such episodes. Heterosexual cross-dressers, much like transsexuals, are born this way and it is not a learned conduct, caused by a traumatic experience or to derive sexual arousal. Both transsexuals and cross-dressers seek a complete and convincing transformation but only cross-dressers get aroused by it (even though this is not why we do it). I am not transsexual but from talking to female to male transsexual friends, I have learned that for them dressing is just a form to express their true gender and do not derive any pleasure different from what a genetic woman would feel from wearing a garment that she likes and makes her feel good.
In my case, and I would like to ask those who believe they fit in the heterosexual CD standard, I am fascinated by the ability of a regular Joe to take the appearance and assume the mannerisms of a regular Jane. I am absolutely certain that I was not ever forced to wear girls clothes and that my urge to wear them is imprinted in my genes and brain and is as much a part of my being as having brown eyes or being predisposed to loose my hair (not in the places I would love to). I never felt ashamed while cross-dressing except for that short period after spontaneous ejaculation that, once I reached my mid twenties, disappeared. I do not know if it was age related or if it was the fact that it was by then that I came to understand why I did it and who I was and embraced this part of me as any other part of my being. It has been ages since I felt guilty or ashamed of being TG in general and a heterosexual CD in particular.
Since the topic is “where I stand in the TG spectrum” and not the story of my life, I will pause for now and open to discussion if you agree that sexual arousal caused by seeing yourself transformed into a woman is one of the characteristics that can be used to distinguish a heterosexual CD from a transsexual as well as the argued differentiation with a fetishists who derive sexual arousal for different motives.
Before posting and opening the discussion, I would like to present an idea that I have discussed in other forums and will cover in depth later because I consider it pertinent to today’s topic. It is regarding my theory about why many fellow CDs think they might be bisexual or even gay because they feel an arguable attraction for other transgendered girls. It is my argument that they confuse the feelings produced by seeing another man convincingly transformed into a woman for attraction to the person performing the transformation. In my opinion, the excitement or arousal is produced by the idea of a man looking so much as a woman and it is mistaken for attraction to the person behind the illusion.
To be continued…