Helpful or Hinderance

By Jocelyn Johnson

I have been posting short videos on YouTube for three years now. A couple of months ago I had 17 videos, with about 15 subscribers, and nearly 2,000 views.

I lamented to my friend Alison that after three years my views and subscribers were so low. Not that I really wanted many subscribers or views. I try to keep my social media profile to a minimum. (I know YouTube – social media to a minimum!!!???).

But I put up a very short video two months ago and a longer one a month ago. And the views and subscribers “took off”. Now over 51,000 views and 164 subscribers. I also realize in the YouTube world these new numbers are a small pittance, but a massive increase in just two months.

Now to my point. I receive comments on my videos only from total strangers. The comments have been very supportive, kind, flattering, and some inquisitive. Such as:

– very beautiful

– pretty

– great legs

– hi

– love your red lips

– where do you live?

– your my queen

– do you do bondage? (that was a quick no)

As Kandi has taught me, I reply to them all; even the ones in French and Spanish. Thank you Google translator.

I am not looking for confirmation of my videos or how I present, but the comments give me some feeling of comfort and an ego boost.

But the most recent comment I got gave me great pause for contemplation. It said: (translated from Spanish) “you dress like a woman but you think like a man. Your walk is insecure. Think how you dress and you will look better.”

My initial thought was to be insulted. All the other comments I receive are flattering or a “come on”! This particular comment was about a video I published over a year ago. But after some time reflecting on it, I understand that it was completely accurate. It is hard to be insulted by the truth. I believe I am now more secure in my walk and I think I look better. Practice does help a lot.

After even more rethinking on the comment, and who I am, and how I present myself I have come to a conclusion. I like how I look and how I walk. I do feel secure with myself and I feel extremely confident. I know I am not very feminine looking or acting. I am not very well dressed nor do I have great makeup skills.

BUT, I am very happy being me, and me is what you get. No matter whether I am in a dress or skirt or heels, or “drab” in blue jeans/t-shirt/ball cap; I am me. No comment, good or bad, is going to change that.

We should all be extremely happy with who we are. I am, are you?

A very happy Jocelyn.

10 thoughts on “Helpful or Hinderance”

  1. I really think for girls like us this is so key.
    We must accept ourselves as we are.
    Not truly passable and just being who we are.
    Being comfortable going out and not being concerned to much about how we walk or talk
    Now don’t get me wrong I try my best to be as feminine as I can be when I’m out an about but I know that I am not fooling anyone.
    What I truly love is being respected and properly gendered when out but if not then no big deal I just go about my business
    Great post Jocelyn

  2. Rachael,
    What wonderful comments, and thank you so much for telling your experience.
    Your confirmation of how I feel, the same as your feelings, gives me such a warm, comfortable glow inside.
    You are special.
    Enjoy your life to the fullest.
    Jocelyn

  3. I accept my self for me. I love going out dressed. I have started to go more mainstream to church.. to yoga class, that was daring. But o have found accepting people and encouragement. I try to be classy, and I am amazed at the compliments I get.

    1. Vanessa,
      Your words and experiences of accepting people is most gratifying to hear. And your confidence at church and yoga prove that anything is possible if you believe in yourself.
      I’m sure you are classy, and those around you agree.
      Thank you so much for sharing.
      Jocelyn

    2. Allow me to interject here for a moment. This is an example of “Be appropriate”. If you dress classy or stylish or simply nicely, you will get compliments. I’ve expereinced it thousands of times and many other have told their stories as well. Thanks dear!!

  4. Jocelyn,

    You are right on so many levels. The most important thing we can do is to be true to ourselves. We need not compare ourselves to each other or to ciswomen or to men. We should just ask, “Am I being me?”

    A good reminder!

    Lisa

    1. Lisa,
      That is the best question we should be asking ourselves all the time. Thank you so much for your comments, and for your continuing great posts on Kandi’s Land.
      Today, for the first time ever I was asked a “label” question, from a visitor to my YouTube site. Am I trans or a crossdresser? I have never had to exam myself like this. Maybe I should have responded saying I am just “me”, but I explained that I am transgender. I was comfortable saying it.
      That’s me, Jocelyn the trans woman.
      Jocelyn

  5. Jocelyn ,
    My thoughts on this question are we start by finding we have a need to crossdress at some point in our lives , sometimes the explanation isn’t always clear . I see the clothes we chose to wear as a window to our inner feelings , they make an expression to the RW . In that respect we can be trans and crossdress but not always . I also relate this question to our situation with transition , if we no longer want or need to appear in male mode we may move beyond the term crossdresser , in fact I now feel wearing male clothes as crossdressing , I no longer want to be seen as a man .
    We have every right to use the term transgender but to be truthful it’s mostly used within our community the general public have no reason to place us in boxes , they mostly accept what they see . The basic criteria being it either upsets them for whatever reason or it doesn’t bother them ,thankfully I slot into the latter .

    1. Teresa,
      Thank you so much for your insight and experience regarding the trans or crossdresser question.
      Like yourself, I don’t get hung up on labels, or really what the general public think.
      Our internal thoughts and feelings are what matters, and we all should be very proud of who we are.
      Take care wonderful Teresa.
      Jocelyn

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